hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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