naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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