Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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