let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
