I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
