His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
