Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
