DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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