Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
