anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
