I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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