i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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