He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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