I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize