if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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