I wish I could punch you in the face.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize