May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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