The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
