i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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