I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
