I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
