today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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