a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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