I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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