Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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