This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize