i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
