I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize