I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
