Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
