I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
