Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
