I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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