Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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