I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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