dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
