i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
we should paint friendship bongs
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
