never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
