Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
