Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
