its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
