he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
