i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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