i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
