i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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