As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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