Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
