Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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