ugly people sure do ruin things
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
