so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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