i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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