im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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