i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
