Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
