you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
