if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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