At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
