I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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