I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
